im jealous

so sue me. yeah so i have worked things out for the most part with my girlfriend. I do love her and she is the girl i want to marry one day. Yet i find myself jealous of the people who are around here when she is up there. I miss her in my arms. I miss her kiss. I miss waking up to her every morning. Its hard. I am very jealous. Yet I know that she loves me and that I love haer and nothing can change that but nature. I just hope that everythig will be worked out and that she will come down here soon and I hope that things will be better when she is here.

Jees Louise Could Things Get Any Worse?

Things in my life lately haven't been so amazing. I found this girl. Her name is cynthia. Shes down right amazing. We meet and we fall in love. We plan on her moving down here. She stands me up. She tells me sorry I forgive her. She plans to come down and move in again. She pushes the date back farther.........and you find me here waiting. I do love her and I do want to be with her but I don't know. I feel as if it is all an excuse and that nothing will ever work out. Some of her family and friends don't like me and that is something I have to deal with. Me and my mother move. We think we will be happier but we are not. We get more miserable every day. We constantly fight and I am never home. She gets mad at me for that and I have lost myself I look forward to finding myself. I want things to be better and all I can do is try to work them out. I want my life to be what it was when I was head over heals, when it didn't matter where I lived and I had no life. Maybe it would be better for me if I was alone in life. Seems As if thats the only time when I truly know who I am What I want.

Passion

Passion :
1.
any powerful or compelling emotion or feeling, as love or hate.
2.
strong amorous feeling or desire; love; ardor.
3.
strong sexual desire; lust.
4.
an instance or experience of strong love or sexual desire.
5.
a person toward whom one feels strong love or sexual desire.
6.
a strong or extravagant fondness, enthusiasm, or desire for anything: a passion for music.
7.
the object of such a fondness or desire: Accuracy became a passion with him.
8.
an outburst of strong emotion or feeling: He suddenly broke into a passion of bitter words.
9.
violent anger.
10.
the state of being acted upon or affected by something external, esp. something alien to one's nature or one's customary behavior (contrasted with action).
11.
(often initial capital letter) Theology.
a.
the sufferings of Christ on the cross or His sufferings subsequent to the Last Supper.
b.
the narrative of Christ's sufferings as recorded in the Gospels.
12.
Archaic. the sufferings of a martyr.




So many lose the meaning of this world. Passion is oftenly mistaken for the fact that you are overcome by, obsessed with something or someone, that this is something that plagues your body, mind and soul all the time. Yes it is a fine line between passion and being obsessed and i think the one who is being talked about with the passion/obsession can be truly the only one to decide wether it be passion or an obsession with said subject. take for interest my love for Tegan and Sara, yes i am ready to shout out how amazing their music is, how much i want to see them in concert, am i ready to get their names tattooed across my forehead and confess an undying love for them? no. i am able to take a step back from them and say yeah they are amazing but they arent the world. See to me i have a passion for them, for the music they make, for the music they have made. It is in this society that we lose sight of passion, to be so overwhelmed with something amazing. we supress our true feelings for things for fear of being prosecuted for how we feel. There really is no point into this post except for me ranting about society. yet i think we have lost our way in our feeling........where everything is taken to the extremest point, to be affectionate is to be clingy, to tell someone you love them........is to want to move in and to marry them and have 2 kids, everything now days that we say think or do is taken to a point of extremities, that drives us to lose sight of who we are.....to lose the meaning of words, to lose our selves. and so i end this useless rambling with the definiton of obsessed




Obsessed :
adjective
1.
having or showing excessive or compulsive concern with something; "became more and more haunted by the stupid riddle"; "was absolutely obsessed with the girl"; "got no help from his wife who was preoccupied with the children"; "he was taken up in worry for the old woman" [syn: haunted]
2.
influenced or controlled by a powerful force such as a strong emotion; "by love possessed"

Three Simple Words

so anyways i was thinking the other day.why do we say i love you to people we really dont? i mean yeah we all come to love some one if we get to know them.....and i mean we all end up loving friends and stuff and we have a certain love for people we date as far as friends go...but why do we tell people we love them like THAT when the way we truly love them is as a friend? i mean im not saying you cant come to love them like THAT but why do we say it prematurely? why cant we find other ways to show how much we like that person? why do we have to autimatically assume that they want to ehar i love you...it makes thing more complicated then needed really.......i mean seriously why cant we just say man i really dig you or how about i really think your an amazing person....no we usually use those when we are going to break up with someone......as if the words i love you will make things all that much better when in truth it doesnt.....it plays with the emotions and feelings of people......why has this generation gotten so caught up in the words i love you.what makes them so special...why has this generation gotten so caught up in being with someone? no matter how horrible the raltionship is, how bad they are treated, or what kind of person the relationship has turned them into......why do we lose our selves in the three words that is makes us lose sight of who we are as people, why do we take things to the next level when things are fine where they ......why is it an urge to find a bf or gf, date them, move in, have your frights, and then break up in a weeks time? and this is all dependent on the word play we use in our relationship. So this is the whole point of this for me.....to be more thoughtful of my words in my future relationships...not to lead people on and to think of what will be the out come.......i love you should be something you feel you cant keep in....that its just bursting out of your pores, not something you think someone wants to hear...think before you speak

life sucks

so yeah im just really hating life right now i swear i feel like nothing is right.......i dont eat enough. i cant connect with anyone, i feel like im a fake 100% of the time except when im laughing which is hardly ever. i just hate life right now. life was doing better it was perfect for what most people look for as perfect..gf, getting along with family had friends, good health, all that and then my gmah goes and breaks her hip, my mom quits her job, school sucks, i mean i dont connect with my gf and i know its because of the distance, i just ugh i cant stand it it i feel so out of place and i just wish i could go back to a time where i knew what i wanted or who i wanted or back to a time where i really felt like myself and not like im living some strangers life. i dont eat inless i have to or my stomach is dying, which is hardly ever i mean i could go all day and not eat and im getting headaches constantly i mean i wish i knew whats wrong i have a good clue that its depression and liek i just dont knpw what to do about it, i want to be happy again i want to be able to smile again at people who i care for and not feel like im lying to everyone around me and lying to myself. i just want it all to end.i want to find that un-dying love, with a girl who i can connect with and i want to get along with my mom and all this other stuff, is there some cure for this???

i sawear!!!!!

im so fcuking just ugh i feel like im an empty shell. i feel so emotionless. my life is good. im doing good in school. i have a gf. i have a famil;y that loves me. i ask for money and i get it (not like that) i have good friends. i have a roof over my head and food in my belly and all i feel like doing is crying but no i cant even do that why? because frankly i have nothing to cry over................but believe me the urge is there and its so just ugh i hate this i hate feeling like this and i just want to cry and make it all better but i cant. i mean seriously i feel like i cant truly be happy in less in some aspect of my life there is sadness or a wanting and i mean why am i like this? why does there have to be pain in my life to be happy? i know i dont enjoy being caused pain and i dont enjoy being sad but inless some way theres pain in my life im not happy and seriously it sucks idk what to do......maybe i need to go talk to someone idk......i just dont know anymore

This year

so this year ive made it my resolution to be more out going and out spoken.....of my issues that i have ir problems bothering me.....and to start this change im goign to write baout my major problem of dating a girl........which its a physical problem and it is that im not so sure about the whole physical aspect of it....i mean im not that confident in my looks...but im working on that but the big thing is im not sure if i can do what it takes to be with a waoman sexually...i have been with guys and yes i do know what to do but however i wish i didnt i mean part of that is playing the whole normal card and im not normal...i mean ive seen two girls together and i know what they do....im just so afraid that seeing as how i have a lack of expirence in this area im not as confident......haha nice for my first blog of the new year right? but seriously i just wonder if i will be able to do that and i know practice not perfection but yeah idk just soemthing i want off my chest......im such a loser haha