life sucks

so yeah im just really hating life right now i swear i feel like nothing is right.......i dont eat enough. i cant connect with anyone, i feel like im a fake 100% of the time except when im laughing which is hardly ever. i just hate life right now. life was doing better it was perfect for what most people look for as perfect..gf, getting along with family had friends, good health, all that and then my gmah goes and breaks her hip, my mom quits her job, school sucks, i mean i dont connect with my gf and i know its because of the distance, i just ugh i cant stand it it i feel so out of place and i just wish i could go back to a time where i knew what i wanted or who i wanted or back to a time where i really felt like myself and not like im living some strangers life. i dont eat inless i have to or my stomach is dying, which is hardly ever i mean i could go all day and not eat and im getting headaches constantly i mean i wish i knew whats wrong i have a good clue that its depression and liek i just dont knpw what to do about it, i want to be happy again i want to be able to smile again at people who i care for and not feel like im lying to everyone around me and lying to myself. i just want it all to end.i want to find that un-dying love, with a girl who i can connect with and i want to get along with my mom and all this other stuff, is there some cure for this???

i sawear!!!!!

im so fcuking just ugh i feel like im an empty shell. i feel so emotionless. my life is good. im doing good in school. i have a gf. i have a famil;y that loves me. i ask for money and i get it (not like that) i have good friends. i have a roof over my head and food in my belly and all i feel like doing is crying but no i cant even do that why? because frankly i have nothing to cry over................but believe me the urge is there and its so just ugh i hate this i hate feeling like this and i just want to cry and make it all better but i cant. i mean seriously i feel like i cant truly be happy in less in some aspect of my life there is sadness or a wanting and i mean why am i like this? why does there have to be pain in my life to be happy? i know i dont enjoy being caused pain and i dont enjoy being sad but inless some way theres pain in my life im not happy and seriously it sucks idk what to do......maybe i need to go talk to someone idk......i just dont know anymore

This year

so this year ive made it my resolution to be more out going and out spoken.....of my issues that i have ir problems bothering me.....and to start this change im goign to write baout my major problem of dating a girl........which its a physical problem and it is that im not so sure about the whole physical aspect of it....i mean im not that confident in my looks...but im working on that but the big thing is im not sure if i can do what it takes to be with a waoman sexually...i have been with guys and yes i do know what to do but however i wish i didnt i mean part of that is playing the whole normal card and im not normal...i mean ive seen two girls together and i know what they do....im just so afraid that seeing as how i have a lack of expirence in this area im not as confident......haha nice for my first blog of the new year right? but seriously i just wonder if i will be able to do that and i know practice not perfection but yeah idk just soemthing i want off my chest......im such a loser haha

okay anyways

so yeah im dating her...even tho she lives in indiana she is totally amaing and i really like her and shes totally sweet. amaingly beautiful! grrrrr i just wish she lived in florida atleast i mean she just makes me smile and i want to hold her hand and to kiss her and to hold her in my arms. but shes so amazing and i am just happy to know that she wants me back.....even if its long distance i really do like her and im glad we met so yeah and hopefully she will come down here in march or whenever idc as long as i get to see her and all so yeah wish me luck.....if anyone reads this anyways

So......

im talking to this amazing girl. she is so sweet and beautiful....the only bad thing???? is she lives in indiana!!! i swear im living in hickville. i so wish i lived in indiana! gosh but yeah i was talking to her on the phone and shes pretty much awesome. shes beautiful and sweet and smart and totally gets me gosh i wish we lived closer! i swear anyways so yeah i want to move to a diff state anyways! but idk im thinking montana or soemthing hell idk somewhere there is mountians and all. my christmas was good i got everything i wanted almost but the main things were given to me and im so thankful for what i got and i wish i could give some lil kid what they wanted for christmas.....i think hats going to be one of my new years resolutions. to save up all my change all year and to give it to some little kid as a gift certificate for xmas who needs it gosh i hate this feeling........like theres so much that can be done and we dont do anything because people are to greedy now days. so far my new years resolutions are to be more considerate of others to be more out going and to do something for someone else other then my family and friens, some one in dire need. good? yes? well yeah im out yall! peAce

A womans body

so yeah ive been on a quest to watch as many lesbian love movies as possible and all throught out them so far the thing i have been looking forward to the most in the next has been the females body. Not because they are..no no no they are way more then that they are sensual and beautiful. The curves and the contours. The smell (although i can't smell them), im talking in general. The feel, the softness, the sensuality, the way they make my body want to SCREAM. The fullness of a girls lips, the way they speak. Its all so attention grabbing to me. I just wanted to get this off my chest. Wome drive me crazy! Thank god, he made women! they are just awesome. I love them!!!

OMG

so anyways yeah i swear no one here gets me. like everyone thinks i just fall for the next girl in line and its not even like that. I dont get attracted to just any girl who is sweet and has a cute smile. im only attracted to certain people and its not like thats everyone. because i ahppen to genuinly like someone im falling to fast. why is it now days that if you want to hold someones hand or kiss them every once in awhile your being to clingy? or your falling in love and its to soon? i swear i wish it was back in the old days when people appreciated the small things or the little intimate gestures. because i joke around and say oh i so would touch her in her special places....i fall to fast for a girl. why cant people understand this. i swear. its like anything you do now is seen as you looking for the one? why cant i just be a 16 year old but yet still know how to treat a girl? im not looking for love. i mean yeah it would be nice to find it im just looking for someone to give my affections to and have them returned. and if i find love good for me. I just want to have a gf treat her nice and be me. im a hopeless romantic and i just want to show the side of me that does have feelings and wants to be loved? why is the world so sucky?