life sucks

so yeah im just really hating life right now i swear i feel like nothing is right.......i dont eat enough. i cant connect with anyone, i feel like im a fake 100% of the time except when im laughing which is hardly ever. i just hate life right now. life was doing better it was perfect for what most people look for as perfect..gf, getting along with family had friends, good health, all that and then my gmah goes and breaks her hip, my mom quits her job, school sucks, i mean i dont connect with my gf and i know its because of the distance, i just ugh i cant stand it it i feel so out of place and i just wish i could go back to a time where i knew what i wanted or who i wanted or back to a time where i really felt like myself and not like im living some strangers life. i dont eat inless i have to or my stomach is dying, which is hardly ever i mean i could go all day and not eat and im getting headaches constantly i mean i wish i knew whats wrong i have a good clue that its depression and liek i just dont knpw what to do about it, i want to be happy again i want to be able to smile again at people who i care for and not feel like im lying to everyone around me and lying to myself. i just want it all to end.i want to find that un-dying love, with a girl who i can connect with and i want to get along with my mom and all this other stuff, is there some cure for this???

i sawear!!!!!

im so fcuking just ugh i feel like im an empty shell. i feel so emotionless. my life is good. im doing good in school. i have a gf. i have a famil;y that loves me. i ask for money and i get it (not like that) i have good friends. i have a roof over my head and food in my belly and all i feel like doing is crying but no i cant even do that why? because frankly i have nothing to cry over................but believe me the urge is there and its so just ugh i hate this i hate feeling like this and i just want to cry and make it all better but i cant. i mean seriously i feel like i cant truly be happy in less in some aspect of my life there is sadness or a wanting and i mean why am i like this? why does there have to be pain in my life to be happy? i know i dont enjoy being caused pain and i dont enjoy being sad but inless some way theres pain in my life im not happy and seriously it sucks idk what to do......maybe i need to go talk to someone idk......i just dont know anymore

This year

so this year ive made it my resolution to be more out going and out spoken.....of my issues that i have ir problems bothering me.....and to start this change im goign to write baout my major problem of dating a girl........which its a physical problem and it is that im not so sure about the whole physical aspect of it....i mean im not that confident in my looks...but im working on that but the big thing is im not sure if i can do what it takes to be with a waoman sexually...i have been with guys and yes i do know what to do but however i wish i didnt i mean part of that is playing the whole normal card and im not normal...i mean ive seen two girls together and i know what they do....im just so afraid that seeing as how i have a lack of expirence in this area im not as confident......haha nice for my first blog of the new year right? but seriously i just wonder if i will be able to do that and i know practice not perfection but yeah idk just soemthing i want off my chest......im such a loser haha